wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
