when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize