u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
