Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
