When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
