So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
