fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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