Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
