I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
