Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
