I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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