I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
