My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
now i know why i became what i already was.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
