My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
