College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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