did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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