The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
