If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
