If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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