Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Randomize
