Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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