I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
