Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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