I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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