I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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