3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
