I accidentally had phone sex last night
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
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