Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
