So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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