i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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