Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
