Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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