you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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