May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
