Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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