I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
