You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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