One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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