If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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