i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize