I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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