man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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