stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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