I just made out with a guy for $7.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
