i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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