I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
