We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
