so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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