This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
