I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
