he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
