I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
