The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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