i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well I just put wine in my tea
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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