haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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