you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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