Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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