I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize