What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
