What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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