We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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