If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
