I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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