Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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