He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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