Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
