I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
