I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
