around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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