Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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