and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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