Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
