genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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