Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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